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Chronicles of a Unicorn - How NOT to Get Laid


How Not To Get Laid: Lesson 1 

Actual text message: 

“No worries maybe you’d send me a. pictyre of your cute ass here then lol ;)” 

WHOA! Watch out! My panties just hit the floor! My pussy just got so wet, my panties just slid right down! Get your life jackets people! And two of every animal! It’s gonna flood! In fact I just came in my seat!!! There is nothing more I’d rather do, than text your fine self a picture of my “cute ass”. Maybe you’ll get a woody and I’ll have accomplished my life’s mission. Praise Jesus. That sexy spelling, provocative punctuation, and panty dropping request, just makes me want to cum in my pants every time I read it. 

READ WITH CAUTION! This text message contains an actual recording of HOW NOT TO GET LAID! Real life evidence of an idiot or eunuch in training!!! They do exist! 

MEN (sorry guys only dudes do this) if you want to get laid: 

1) Use proper grammar, spelling and punctuation in your written communication. A fucking 

idiot is a turn off. 2) DO NOT EVER ask, assume, or even think requesting a girl to text you a picture of her 

ass, or any other body part is in any way acceptable. 

Here is a better approach, and will increase your chances of getting laid: 

You send: “You have the most beautiful eyes, and I love that sweet naughty smile of yours. I smile every time I see it.” 

She eagerly sends you a selfie of her smiling and is anticipating your response. She thinks to herself, “Oh he’s different. He’s not your average jizz head. He has manners, and knows how to spell, plus he is charming. Maybe he is smart enough to hold an intelligent conversation about real life.” You respond, “Absolutely stunning! And it worked, I am smiling. (insert smiley emoji) Thank you for sharing.” 

She responds, “It is my pleasure. (insert whatever emoji)” 

Now you have her attention. You’re in her head. She will be thinking about you on and off throughout the day, both naughty and nice thoughts. You’ve made it onto the list of potentials. 

She may even troll your Facebook profile looking for cute pictures, and maybe, just maybe think about you for a brief moment while she rubs one off before she snoozes away in bed. And if you're getting laid in her head, your chances of getting laid in real life are higher than 0%. 

THAT my dear men is the conclusion to our first lesson on how not to get laid. 

You’re welcome.

written by: Ariel Andrews