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Secrets Series - Part Two Unicorns in the Lifestyle

"Be Carefree, Not Careless" - Unknown

I am seeing a great deal of posts regarding "Unicorns"  and ff you are a part of our Secrets FB group page, you will see a post from one of our unicorn members that addresses the idea of what a unicorn means to some people and couples – I want to share what she wrote and so we can address this topic.

“It can be hard being a third wheel, and even though we don’t have partners to share these experiences with, we deal with our own sets of confusing feelings sometimes. Is this something you’re in tune with, and can you navigate accordingly? Most unicorns really love and feed off being able to be the conduit to another couples bonding experience but with that said, we aren’t here to just be your fuck toys. We are people, we have feelings and we see all of you thirsty asses.”

So, what makes a couple decide to take that dive into finding a single female? Are you communicating with each other the right questions before making this decision? This isn’t a college frat party where we get drunk, and it is sexy to watch girl on girl. Not to say there is anything wrong with that – but are you communicating that with not only your partner but to the unicorn you are bringing in if that is all you are looking for?

It is becoming common to see posts asking where the unicorns are at – what it begins to feel like is a shelter for unicorns – asking to be put on display as though we need a “home”. Line us up and pick one out- although some like to be pet, we are not animals – we are strong, independent women that are ok being alone, and in some cases the whole purpose of having a relationship with a couple is so that we can have that connection, but still enjoy the aspects of our single life. Unicorns are a decision to remain single in the lifestyle, a choice – much like  couples that choose to find a single female for their personal reasons. Which leads me to ask the question, as a couple have you asked why that is part of the lifestyle they have chosen? This answer can shed some light on whether they will fit into your dynamic. Unicorns, ASK why they want a third to join them – this is something that you may want to re-evaluate after spending time in the relationship to make sure that the goals and feelings are the same.

The most important part of this begins with the couple before they even consider bringing in a third person. Ask each other what are you looking to do with a third person? Are you both able to handle the emotional capacity of what that means? What are your limits? What is the short term/long term desires? Are you able to have a CCMU (Clear, concise, mutual, understanding) to each other and to the person you are bringing in? Human decency and treating someone with respect and kindness is equal regardless how many people are in a relationship. Let's break this down to a few different theories that allows not only couples to consider, but unicorns to think about as well. 

Unicorn with Benefits

You and your partner decide you just want a third person to fulfill some sexual fantasies and there is a desire to have a third person in the bedroom but that is strictly all it is. You have an obligation to let the unicorn you are talking to know this upfront. This gives an opportunity for her to decide if that is all she is looking for and each person knows that you are there for a good time and when the good time is over, you part ways until next time. Unicorns, be real with this – you want to hit it and quit it and nothing more. then express this so that there is no misunderstandings or hurt feelings when you do not extend out a relationship to either person in the relationship.

 Unicorn Dating

This is taking it to that next level where you and your partner decide that you want to explore a little more intimate relationship. What does this look like? Are each of you comfortable going out with her alone? What are those limits? Is texting and calling, ok? When you invite them to dinner or to an event, do you have the emotional capacity to handle her being treated as an equal? I think the idea in a moment is a hot topic for debate – is this for everyday? NO! But when you extend the invitation to take her out on a date with you and your partner, YOU are saying we are ALL together and in that moment the respect is equal. Remember YOU have decided to bring HER in – should jealousy rear its ugly little head; you do not have a right to act as though it is HER fault or that she did something wrong (unless she did, and we will address that as well) No one should ever be torn down to build yourself or your partner up based on their own insecurity. That is just being callous, and you take away something special from the unicorn and the relationship. Remember, we are choosing to be single just as you have chosen to be in a relationship. Set your boundaries and explain this from the start. Just because you make your decisions as a couple, it does not mean you get to make the decisions for the unicorn. We need to know where you stand in the relationship so that we can respect where we stand and decide if that will fit the dynamic we are looking for.

Unicorn Girlfriend

You and your partner decide that you want to take this to the next level, do you understand what that means to you? Often, I have seen the label of Girlfriend/Boyfriend and I am perplexed on what that means to certain people. When establishing a title such as this, you are saying it is ok to have feelings, that there is a stronger connection and one that includes love, care, and you are forming a relationship. Although boundaries need to be presented and respected on both parts, there is an agreement that things are going in a direction that is more of a loving relationship. What does that look like to you and to your unicorn? Is she exclusive to just the couple? Is she able to enjoy her single life as well and fills you in on her experiences now that you have agreed to a partnership? Is she able to share the good, the bad and the confusing emotions with you as a relationship? Is your partner comfortable with this dynamic? 

When it comes to the lifestyle and navigating the waters to it can become rocky and at times feel like you are drowning in regret and despair. When these emotions can be dealt with and communicated properly – there is a beautiful bond that can form between more than just two people.

When the relationship gets overwhelming

Things happen – communication between two people can present its own challenges but when trying to communicate with three people, at times can be a recipe for disaster if not handled with care and compassion. When deciding to take a break or end things in the relationship can be difficult. It is a breakup, a loss of a connection regardless if it was just for sex or for love. Be open with what is going on and why you have chosen to end the relationship. You opened the door to welcome someone in, it is common courtesy and respect to let them know that the way you feel in your relationship has changed. Often in any breakup we look for the worst in someone and have a desire to start picking apart their flaws, not realizing the other person maybe overlooking yours. This applies to everyone, you do not have to find fault to realize you are not compatible with someone, even the most positive aspect of a person can be one that just drives you insane. It does not make it right or wrong, good, or bad, it just means it is not for you. It is ok to stop loving someone when you realize that it will not ever work the way you think it might. One of the hardest parts about this dynamic is being willing to open up how you genuinely feel, should feelings develop, communicate this and make the decision if you need to pull away from the relationship due to boundaries that were set, or it may open up a new area that you are all willing to explore together. If there is anything to take away from this, each person has feelings - do not be wreckless with another persons heart and emotions. 

When a Unicorn Oversteps

Communicate – mean what you say and say what you mean. If you tell your unicorn one thing, be sure that is what you are ok with. You may think you are ok with it and then something happens, and you realize that is outside your comfort zone. Talk about it, no matter how mad or uncomfortable you are – SPEAK up! There is no way to improve on a relationship if you just keep it bottled up or turn to others to vent when the only person you need to talk to is the one that offended you. Respect is a two-way street and I have talked to several unicorns that have had some amazing experiences with being a part of a relationship and some that learned hard lessons and realized maybe this part of the lifestyle was not for them. Unicorns you are something special and what is being shared is incredibly special if done with a desire on everyone to create an amazing dynamic. Be realistic with what your expectations are, what you are looking for may not be what the couple wants and in return will not work. Be authentic with your personal desires and your feelings. If you want someone that can spend the night with you once a week, you can call and message – go have dinner with the wifey and hang out the three of you – express that in the beginning. It is not worth putting yourself or the couple in a situation that is not one that will work for anyone. Just like anything when it comes to the lifestyle – feelings can change and so can the rules that were once put in place.

Being a single female has pros and cons to it in the lifestyle – remember this is a choice that you are making to involve yourself in a relationship with a couple. You are saying that you agree that there will be sacrifices and that you accept that you are not going to be the primary focus or the number one in that couple’s life. What that also means is that they are not the number one in your life, you made a choice to stay single and enjoy your life as a single person that still wants a connection without the primary responsibility of one/two person’s happiness. Do not loose sight of what it is that you want and how to fulfill your own needs, if the couple you are with is not doing that, it is not their job to UNLESS you have all agreed to be EQUAL in the relationship.

One of the many reasons I love my job is all the new people I get to meet and the different dynamics that I get to see and hear about. Being able to be trusted with someone’s intimate details about their life and relationship is an honor. It gives you an opportunity to explore your own mind and areas that you may not have considered before. So many people here at Secrets are open and willing to share their stories – whether it can provide insight on your relationship or just give you a positive mindset of an aspect within the lifestyle, take the time to get to know people and connect with them. Some of the greatest friendships I have made is being a part of the lifestyle, being able to be open and free without judgement or ridicule has led me on an unforgettable journey of self-reflection and being able to explore my own sexuality.

-Holly Wood