"Sexual Desire is a State not unlike hunger" - Mary R

Posted: November 19th, 2020

Coming into a different phase in your life; whether it be as a single exploring your sexuality or in a relationship enhancing the sexual experiences, we all face a desire that can be neglected or intimidated to really open up about a kink we may want to try. We are programmed as women to be soft, sensitive and have spent time overcoming hurdles when it comes to embracing our inner slut. Men have been programmed since the dawn of time to hold that macho, rough exterior, strong protector side. As we evolve into different theories and emotions, we can easily get caught up in the “new” without realizing we have forgotten about the basic, the “old”. Just as we can get caught up in the idea of being judged for desires or feel shame with a new kink. Do not let this stop your sexual growth. Learn how to communicate those desires to your partner(s).

So how do you express your needs and desires if it doesn’t match the new direction you were heading in? Sure you can blurt it out, play it out in your head, plan something but when it doesn’t work the way you dreamed it would - then what? I was talking to a couple and when I asked her what she really needed, she finally blurted out the many, many days that she would feel so sexually revved up and had this grand scheme in her mind on what she wanted to do to her spouse - her excitement was contagious! Then she slumped down and said by the time they got to the bedroom - she felt discouraged and knew it wouldn’t work out the way she really wanted it to. WHAT?! You’re right there babe!! The look on her spouse’s face was priceless - he had no clue what she was needing or wanting from him and she felt because they had been on this new sexual journey of exploring new things that she felt he would somehow be “bored.”

“There is a certain moment that I looked at you from across the room, my body tingling for this new desire to take you. In that moment, I am walking up to you - with a gentle yet demanding kiss, looking in your eyes and taking your hand. As we walk, my clit begins to throb. That deep desire to tie your hands above your head - strap a spreader between your ankles, hold your head on my hands as I take care of that side that has seemed to be forgotten in us. The connection between 2 lovers.. The pleasure of feeling you squirm, knowing you want it harder, rougher... Knowing I’m giving us both a level we have neglected... fun, different, softer, passionate..”

 Just the opposite with another couple I had the pleasure of chatting with, it wasn’t that they weren’t able to connect with one another, they did that great! It was his inability to express he wanted to experience something new and quite different than what they had ever done. It took opening the conversation in a way that he could express his desire to be with another man and his wife. He stated that It was not until he watched MMF (Male, Male, Female) and saw the interactions openly that he wanted to explore that side. He mentioned how they would get into some arguments about MMF and while she was walking away feeling like he was too jealous to experience that, he was walking away from the argument too embarrassed to tell her that he was nervous about this new sexual fantasy.

Something I did not even know was around until last summer (yes, I was shocked I had no clue) was the ability to hire a sex coach. This is not your typical sex therapist; sex coaching was very big in the 70’s and slowed down until recently. A sex coach is someone that is trained and certified to help get over certain fears, inhibitions and help you to explore your sexual side in a non-judgmental environment. A guide to your sexual journey. A sex coach does not help you overcome your past experiences, they help you move forward in a positive and healthy direction. The key to expressing your desires begins with accepting and embracing those desires.  We have talked in every blog how important communication is and yes that will be a constant and repeat. Communicate. What you want, what you don’t want and always express what you need from your partner. Each person in a relationship matters – even if it is for a one night stand. So take the time to really open up about how you feel and what you need.

I recommend writing it down, make a quick note of what you want to talk about. If the thought of having that conversation makes you nervous or you just want to “surprise” your partner(s) then send a quick message – “Hey babe, I need you tonight, I have some fun things planned so meet in the bedroom at 9pm and we both leave all the days problems at the door, xoxo 9pm sharp” Something as playful and fun can go a long way. Let the anticipation build throughout the day. Start somewhere and work your way from there. Remember what it felt like to flirt?? FLIRT!! Just because you have a grown-up world and you may have been together for years or just a few months, flirt. Express the very reasons you got together to begin with.

Are you taking the time to reconnect after you have introduced something new and exotic into the bedroom? Are you able to be just as open and receptive to letting your significant other know that you need to connect as lovers and friends? This can have many definitions depending on the lifestyle that you lead. We have had so many new couples coming to Secrets and so many questions, with all sorts of advice. There is no right or wrong way to explore as long as it is done with respect and good intentions. Let me repeat myself here – with REPSECT and love. Remember this, if you are coming into the lifestyle to “fix” an issue within your relationship – you are not making the best decision for you and your partner.

I always enjoy passing along a great book for those that want to enhance their sexual journey, one I personally recommend that touches on a good deal of topics would be - Janet w. Hardy and Dossies Easton The Ethical Slut. Redefining the term slut

“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical  proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” The Ethical Slut