"Sexuality is one of the biggest parts of who we are"

Posted: December 22nd, 2020

There is nothing sexier than a man who can claim his dominance and confidence than one who can reach out and embrace his own sexual fantasies and desires without shame. We are labeled in society from the time we are born – whether we are labeled as straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, and the list continues to grow. We watch our every word to be politically correct and to have a sense of belonging to a group, that often we forget how to be authentic with who we really are and what those desires may be. We explore these fantasies in our own thoughts and world through websites like Pornhub, XXXhamsters, and more popular for the live shows only fans and hotlines. We go to a place where we make up an alias, so no one will know who we really are to keep from being shunned within our own community, friends, and family.

I have seen how emotional coming into a different lifestyle can be. We can see the rollercoaster of emotions and the easy access of trust we hand to a total stranger yet keep so guarded with those we have known the longest. Let us think about this for a moment, how many of you have your dear friends and family that you trust your life with? That you would take a bullet for? Yet when the time comes to engage in those taboo sexual secrets, we lock up and shut down. Then you come to a place like Secrets, and you are filled with like-minded people that automatically hand that same trust to strangers and guard them against our personal life. We become good at wearing two faces, knowing when to take one off and put the other one on. For some, this is every now and again way of life, and for others, this is their everyday life, yet we question why emotions are like rollercoasters. We struggle to be authentic for fear of non-acceptance and ridicule. We base these negative feelings on how society has programmed us to be labeled and identified. How do we break that cycle and begin to evolve our thinking to accept a sexual desire and fantasy, not to be a label but for the simple fact – we want the sexual experience or maybe we just do not want the label and have the stereo type that comes with it.

From the dawn of time, sexuality has ruled our thoughts and emotions.  The founding father of psychoanalysis and neurologist Sigmund Freud proposed that our developments were based on psychosexual stages -meaning each phase of our life cycle represents sexual desires. To go further back, ancient Greece  free older men were encouraged to have sexual relations with younger free men to gain wisdom and experience. No label came with enjoying the sexual experience, but there was a belief accepted in society. Somehow, sexuality became taboo, and to go outside of what has been deemed as normal created these hidden worlds of fantasies and sexual desires. To escape the shaming of one’s sexuality – we classified what our sexual desires meant and realized that not everyone fits the mold that society sees fit.

“Watching my lover’s body sink into the bed while I carefully lick around his cock, I look up in his eyes as my husband comes from behind me and kisses the small of my neck. Looking into my lover’s eyes, I pull my husband in closer to me; he wraps one arm around my waist and pushes my hair back with his other. He knows what I want, knows how to please my lover, and knows how to arouse me. His hands brush across mine as he brings himself to my lover – it only takes a moment together until they resembled one. The inhibitions that become lost, engaging in the very sexual energy that ignites the moist between my thighs, the anticipation throughout my body, I like to watch the sexual tension between them release before I join…”

In recent years I have come to know many men opening to the idea of exploring those sexual fantasies with another man, learning why they are apprehensive about coming out to their lifestyle friends. We have already addressed why they are not coming out to close personal family and friends. So why so taboo? The reality, how others respond when they hear or see something that goes against what we have deemed as a social norm, can create emotions that can be intimidating. When there is a negative response to something, we are trained that it must be a negative behavior that needs to be changed.

It is fair to say that we have a misconceived notion of what defines a man and how he should respond to those sexual desires. Guys hang out with guys due to the atmosphere – the testosterone in the room can be empowering in any environment but mix it with passion and human instinct in a sexual setting. You will get masculine energy that enhances the sexual experience. Dare I say that it is time to open the floodgates and start truly accepting and embracing men that want to explore that sexual side. For many reading this the outward expression is that we already do, yet the inner voice is whispering the macho “they must be… (insert label).”

Ladies, I know you are out there – have you ever just watched on porn or live-in person the energy that is created between two men? Yet even for women to talk about that desire can be challenging for the same fear that one will judge. We go through the what-ifs in our mind and good grief if we were to mutter that to anyone there is an automatic signal that goes up and before we know it, what an innocent conversation is of expressing desires can be turbulent if misconstrued for our partner. So let me say it to the peeps on the back of bus, embrace your desires ladies and gents, “we aren’t here for a long time, so lets have a good time.”

Embracing your sexual desires is a part of what makes up our chemistry and who we are. Being here at Secrets we catered to all lifestyle choices, we embrace and lift everyone – we host different theme nights, newbie nights, Bi-nights, fun, and laid-back nights. Our goal is to allow each person a safe place to come and be authentic with your desires, no judgement, no pressure. As a society we have evolved our thinking and ways with great stride and there is no slowing this down.