The Big "C"

Posted: July 29th, 2020

New or polished in the lifestyle, communication is critical.

It is safe to say that we were all new to being in the lifestyle at one point. Do you ever sit back and think about how you approached the conversation? Hey, love of my life, let us meet another couple to have sexual relations with, lets get naked in public, maybe a little spanking with possibly some whips before bed? Whatever it is that fell outside of what society defines as expected, brought us to a different way of life.

If you are new and experiencing this for the first time, you know all too well how it feels. If you are polished in the lifestyle, you know how it can feel when you want to experience something different or have changed your mind about what you may have agreed to early on.  There have been sexual desires that have been forbidden for many years, and it can be challenging to bring up sexuality without knowing what the result will be.

 I was out with a large group of our lifestyle friends, and we ran into this couple that was intrigued by watching us as a group. I was impressed that she came over and asked if we were "swingers," apparently, we made it evident to an outsider that we were violating some social norms. They sat down with us while we discussed our personal views and experiences of being in the lifestyle with them. We all had different advice to give, but one piece of advice remained the same across the table. Communicate. No matter what your kink, what your desires are, communicate with your partner. She said they did not know where to even start without being worried about how the spouse would react.

I recommend a great website called mojoupgrade (, look at it, and spend some time taking the quiz. I like this website because it allows couples to take an intimate look at their sexuality and guides you on where to go when wanting to discuss sexual desires and what would be off-limits. Living in the lifestyle is a living, breathing document; what that means is what you desire now may change as one navigates their way through the diversity of sexuality and intimacy.

 I like to tell couples to have some ground rules before their first event. Start with what turns each person off; this will help alleviate reading each other's mind. An example of this will be if one partner does not find a smoker attractive - you have established that if someone you have met begins to smoke, you are both aware that it is not someone you would not have a sexual experience with. However, you may remain in a great friendship. As you start to go through this process, you begin to open up about communicating in a positive direction. Leading the conversation to what turns you on and what you are looking for in another couple, someone single maybe even a kink or fetish.

 As you and your partner go through your sexual experiences, remember jealousy can rear its evil head, and with proper communication - this is ok and, at times, can be a natural response. It is how one handles it that matters. Often, one partner will have this feeling of jealousy and, at some point, lash out or become disconnected from their partner. In these moments, remember the C-word, communicate. Ask to speak to your partner privately and be forthright in how you feel. Just a simple hey babe, when that happened, I started to feel a little jealous and want to talk it through before it becomes a more significant issue. Your partner should be able to embrace this and have some time to re-connect as a couple to diminish those feelings. Remember that being in the lifestyle is to enhance the relationship, not to take away or replace anything in it.